Authenticity in Relationship

what we want changes as we change...at 50, to thine own self be True

One of the gifts of entering menopause has been not only feeling pretty damn crystal clear in myself about my needs, wants, desires, and boundaries but also my ability to trust and act on those needs, desires, wants and boundaries– especially when it comes to my relationships with others.

While thinking about how many women say “I’m 50! I don’t care” -whether about lifestyle, Botox, or being honest with others (what I/we mean by “I don’t care” is: I no longer care about making YOU happy at MY expense), I came across this Wanda Sykes funny about the physiological reason for this: low estrogen (according to her, estrogen is responsible for why women say “I’m sorry” when someone else steps on our foot!). Maybe it's lower estrogen, but I do feel liberated into not caring much about what others think. If men have always had this permission, more than ever - I do now.

***

When it comes to how we support one another in relationship, and what we need, I feel this also changes over time. As I better know and honor myself, I commit to my own True Self above all. This means I will choose MY own alignment, MY feeling sense of rightness, MY relationship with myself, over any other person - even if I really care about, or love, them. This is ME now.

How Do We Truly Support One Another? What does support look like for you? These questions are worth revisiting, clarifying, because at different times in our life we may get different answers. At 50, here’s what I came up with.

***

1. HONORING WHAT YOU MOST VALUE IN CONNECTION ALLOWS YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE LOVELY FREE-FLOWING ENERGY YOU LIKE.

In my relationships, even though we each have slightly different needs, I support others similar to how I want to be supported. Because I know and honor my values, this allows me to feel that lovely free flow of support I enjoy with others. These are: Presence in our interactions, freely giving and receiving emotional support, keeping a balanced energy exchange, being responsive/timely, expressing appreciation, celebrating the other person’s victories, and neutrally witnessing, or “holding space” for, another’s experience/story – that is, without projecting myself into their experience.

Witnessing and projection - so common! John rides his bike to work and back every day through urban Honolulu. He does this because he knows this about himself: he will only exercise if it is functional, ie it serves a true purpose, or is social (you will never see him on a treadmill. He is not that guy). Anyhow, when he tells people he rides his bike to work, know what he typically hears? A tale about someone that person knows who was hit by a car.

…Um, thanks? Thanks for your…fear? …concern? …for that awful story?

This may sound obvious, but I’m telling you - this happens so much. You share your victory; they share their fear. You share what happened to you, today; they share their wounding version of it. You excitedly say you’re moving to Hawaii, or that you live in Hawaii and you love it; they say, omg, they could never live there (yes, this has happened, multiple times).

I feel, more than anything that what each of us truly wants to feel supported is witnessing. Not opinions, or advice, fear, projection, or whatever my share stirs up in you–if it involves you, share after I finish, this is my time.

I’m not perfect. I’ve done this myself, before. But I don’t like how it feels (at best it feels like “your moment” is snatched away; at worst it can feel like you’ve been slimed by another’s unconsciousness) so I hold this intention.

Honoring myself means that I HONOR my values in intentionality and action.

***

2. THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT I WANT TO BE IN WILL BE ABLE TO: RESPOND TO THE KIND AND TRUTHFUL COMMUNICATION OF MY NEEDS, WANTS AND BOUNDARIES. PERIOD. FULL STOP. You?

In a conversation with a close friend recently, several things I needed were not available. I didn’t feel received in the way I like. I didn’t feel supported. I sat with all this overnight. I did extra energy practices; I do them every day, anyhow. The energy still didn’t shift. I felt I needed to say something. I did -kindly, honestly, and as briefly/to the point as possible (trust me, this helps).

(To be clear, this is NOT the same as giving someone your laundry list of *all the things they do to cause you to feel badly*. I recall someone once giving me that ugly list. That’s not expressing one’s True Self - that’s an Ego wound. It helps to be able to discern the energetic difference.)

Anyhow, my friend received all of this in kind, responded, and also thanked me for my thoughtfulness to follow up with her on this. I think she slept on it overnight, too, and so by the time she replied, she had also taken a long pause. This is so vital to working out differences, I feel: If you can, wait 24 hours before replying to someone who triggers you, or excites your emotions. Do some energy work. Do EFT. Go for a walk. Take a beat. Because doesn’t it feel nice when you are able to share something that feels quite vulnerable, and you don’t get a knee-jerk response, but a present listener? Your likelihood for this is so much higher when you’ve dialed down your own energy to “peace”.

Honest communication about a boundary trespass, energetic dis-resonance, or weirdness typically feels vulnerable and risky for the sharer- whether one admits this or not- AND it can trigger the other. This is why it’s vital to proceed slowly, kindly. I really try to only communicate these types of things after I’ve processed them- when there is little to no emotional charge for me. I can always get here with my energy work. I hold a commitment in myself, for peace. I wait for the right time, and I feel peace inside before proceeding. I’m typically received in kind. (Sidenote: When I share, I may preface it by letting them know how vulnerable it is for me to share -this diffuses things).

We all need to feel safe before communicating our True Self with another person, and if we do not, I feel either a) this is an invitation to look at your preferred style: What will help you to feel safe? Maybe communicating by email, in person, waiting for the right moment, running it by an objective friend, first, feels best? OR b) this person is not for you. I knew my friend was on board with this level of sharing. Are you? Not everyone is -see #3.

***

3. NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE, RESPECT OR HONOR YOUR BOUNDARIES AND RELATIONAL VALUES. (What will you do about that?)

Boundaries are muscles that I’ve strengthened over time with use. All of this has been an investment in myself. I’ve learned to support myself. I’ve learned to honor myself. I’ve learned to express my needs. I’ve learned my own boundaries, and naming them when necessary, keeps me feeling safe & good.

This habit of putting myself first began as a result of not feeling supported in my True Self. This habit of being honest about what I need and want began as a result of never having been given this basic personal agency. As I’ve grown into the practice of transparently naming what I need and want from my circle, I’ve also seen how it shifts those around me for the better. Those who can level-up with me, do; those who cannot, fall away. As it should be.

Some people need to fall away. I once told a potential friend that I didn’t like the way they shared my astrological information and process, in a group. I recall actually feeling nausea upon reading this share; that was how little I liked being talked about and around- instead of with! This was a boundary I needed to communicate. So I did. Maybe I wasn’t as gentle as they required; they interpreted this communique as angry, and ended our relationship.

Which leads me to my next point.

***

4. YOU CAN’T SQUEEZE OJ FROM A LEMON… BUT YOU CAN TRY FOREVER!

This is an uncomfortable fact: There are people you will meet in life who will be, or become, unable to support you. Even if you love them, dearly…They are unable to honor your desires, wants or needs. They clearly are NOT capable of giving you what you want and need from them. They no longer feel *right* for you. The things that used to mildly annoy you now really bother you, and this overshadows the joy and love- either mostly, or entirely.

When this happens, here is what I’ve found to be true about these connections: No matter how much I want things to be different, things are not going to be different. An alignment issue isn’t something that can be cleared up by better expressing your boundaries, voice, needs or your authentic True Self… because the other does not have the ears to hear any of this. You will still try, and probably a couple of times at least. But it’s of like having a fault line in the middle of your relationship - no bridge you can possibly build over that, to get to the other side, is going to change the fact there’s a gap here.

For me, the most confusing thing about this has been when: I truly like/or even love the person but not their behavior, choices, or energy. It’s hard, emotionally. An alignment issue is foundational though -- it is literally my own inner knowing that we cannot move this connection forward without ME being compromised. It’s also a neutral fact/not personal. In other words, I didn’t just wake up one day and choose to stop liking this person, or their behavior and choices! Some days, I have had to remind myself of this often.

Because the cost of staying in connection with these people is way too high. When I’ve stayed in connections that are out of alignment with who I am, weird ***t creeps in that I otherwise don’t experience. In one connection, I experienced energies of jealousy from them- but jealousy was so unfamiliar to me I didn’t recognize it at first; around them, I felt self-conscious, and like I was under a microscope. I was. Just not mine. Around another person, I started feeling something was “wrong” with me when I was with them. I initially tried to band-aid what I felt by blaming myself - I was being irrational, too sensitive, I needed to better manage my energy, I told myself (yes, all were variations of: I must be f’**d up!). Eventually I decided to let both relationships go. Wanting a thing to be True will not make it so…

Bottom line: When a relationship is out of alignment, (or slowly grows out of alignment), it will feel unsupportive. Once you recognize this, it’s up to you to release it as gracefully as possible (If the above resonates, you may enjoy my book Karmic Dates and Momentary Mates: The Astrology of the Fifth House).

***

5. A RELATIONSHIP THAT COMPROMISES MY INNER SENSE OF ALIGNMENT/RIGHTNESS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP I WANT TO BE IN.

I own this as my bottom line. This hasn’t always been True for me. Honestly, this statement once terrified me! Sitting with my very hot and Truthful feelings, while knowing that a relationship might not survive my expressing what I want and need, felt excruciating and very triggering.

At those times, I would sit with myself and dunk a variation of this, down into my Root, over and over: I am allowed to put my Self first. Or, sometimes (often) it was, I am allowed to be Right* (both huuugeee for me, since in childhood I was not allowed to put myself first, or be Right about anything).

*Technical note: These statements were not said as affirmations. When I say: I dunked these phrases down into my Root chakra, I would sort of float them there and see how they landed with me. Usually, initially, I felt resistance to them, because these truths were NOT allowed once. So, I kept playing with it, dunking it down again, seeing if I could bring myself around to feeling the goodness and peace and deep clarity of feeling-knowing this as Truth. Knowing the Truth: When you know/feel the Truth, all the things keeping you from it fall away. I teach this technique in my Intuitive Guide class.

Anyhow, all of this - the inner work- was a bit like leading a horse back to clean water after being told that the same water was poison, and to never, ever! drink it- for your entire life! It required gentleness, and tenacity.

But I kept it up, returning time and again to these healthy Truths. I trained myself to sit with everything that emotionally bubbled up, including all the threatening feelings I had that the other person would: Choose their self over me, discredit, gaslight, criticize or abandon me. I sat with those old fears that my Voice, my authentic Truth, my truest needs, and desires, would blow our relationship apart… Till the story finally transformed into Light.

Other’s responses, to me? They stopped mattering so much; self-honoring mattered more. Liberation feels so much better than self-compromise.

***

So, what does supportive relationship look like now- for you?

People change. People grow out of alignment. I pray to Goddess this won’t happen with certain people in my life whom I love very much, but if that happens, I will to my own Self be True. I am committed to supporting ME.

And, of course a funny thing happens when I do this- the more I level up my self-support, the more people come into my life who reflect that back to me. I have some of the most supportive relationships I’ve ever had right now.

At this phase of my life, I’m dedicated to not having weird energy being carried forward into future interactions, so I’ll work to be honest about it over suffering it. I also want things to be reciprocal; if we are close, I’ll let you know when it doesn’t feel this way. You know why? I give great support, witnessing, presence and celebration. I invest time, thoughtfulness, care, presence and energy into my relationships. I deserve the same.

images from: my Intuitive Energy Divination Deck, and my own designs

.