I Make Things Weird... And I'll Likely Do It Again

how honoring your intuition and committing to your Authenticity are the same things

If I were to count the number of times that listening to my intuition did not deeply challenge my conditioning; the times I argued my self out of choosing to listen to my intuition; the number of times I chose to avoid addressing conflict with another instead of listening to myself…well, that number would be much greater than the times intuition + action came smoothly, easily.

Inner listening deeply challenges us to break away from cultural conditioning -all the “shoulds” we are given from birth onward. Conditioning like: Be productive. Don’t be lazy. If you want success, you have to (XYZ). Do the template, what everyone else is doing. Don’t upset others. Do what’s best for others. Don’t be selfish. Use fear & scarcity when making life decisions... etc.

Why is listening to your intuition so challenging? I think I just answered that question! If you are going to even attempt to listen to + act upon your intuition- your inner knowing that arises thru feeling, sensing, embodiment- you will come up against conditioning like it’s no one’s business.

Here’s good news, though: This also means that committing to inner listening is truly a process of committing to your own Authenticity, your Truest Self.

As you consider this statement, let’s ponder this most excellent excerpt of a piece of writing from poet e.e. cummings, called A Poet’s Advice.

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"A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses (his) feeling through words. This may sound easy. It isn’t. A lot of people think or believe or know they feel-but that’s thinking or believing or knowing; not feeling. And poetry is feeling-not knowing or believing or thinking. Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself. To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting..." -e.e. cummings

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Did you feel that?!

This beautifully validates how: Listening to feeling ALWAYS connects you to your Authentic Truth, and in our world of sameness this will be challenging.

I also love how this piece of writing highlights that unlike thoughts and beliefs- feeling cannot be taught. Feeling leads us to crystal clear Truth.

…So much gets in the way of this, though. I mean, when you listen inward which voice or self part do you attend, listen to? Beliefs, thoughts, survival conditioning, social pressure, childhood fears? Isn’t this THE BIG question?

How do you 100% know where THE TRUTH finally and totally lands for you?

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The Truth always lands in my sensitive body. Yet to listen + act I also must contend with beliefs, thoughts, social pressures.

For instance, I have really wanted my intuitive decks sold in local stores here in Honolulu. This is a legitimate desire. One day I was at coffee with a friend when I decided to pop into one particular store and pitch myself. The store was full of crystals, card decks, potions and candles - a place you’d think would be a perfect fit for me. Almost immediately snakes started squirming in the pit of my stomach, and my energy started running fast and hot. I found myself making a “pitch” and squeaking the words out to the point where my friend took over. I felt extremely self-conscious and inadequate!

In that moment of being flooded with extreme discomfort, I didn’t necessarily know *what* I was feeling, but you know what I DID KNOW? I felt bad. From past experience, I have learned this form of feeling badly meant I was radically NOT in alignment with this venue. I also knew that if I did business with them, this would be the ongoing energy I’d have to contend with. Yuck.

By the time my friend and I left, I had met the owner of the store and we’d exchanged contact info and made plans to get in touch so they could stock the card deck. Business card in hand, I turned to my friend and immediately declared, “Nope, I won’t be doing that.” (later, I went to look for their card - to throw it away - it had mysteriously vanished! ha!).

As we walked out, my friend said: “Ahhhh. I can forget. Your brave Aries Moon just goes for it, but at day’s end you’re still a Cancer.” To which I replied, “That wasn’t an insecurity attack (I could see why it looked that way), it was my sensitivity to extreme dis-resonance with the people in this place!”

Yes, Uranus conjoins my Libra Rising and squares Venus. This sums it up.

I listened to my intuition. Was it easy? It’s gotten easier as I’ve gotten to know myself better. But, no, I don’t feel that inner listening is necessarily easy.

I could have:

• Overridden the Truth with my conditioned desire for success

• Believed myself to be a pathological ball of nerves and anxiety

• Believed myself to be an insecure astrological Cancerian

• Judged myself as too sensitive or weird for having an extreme response

• Chosen my legitimate desire over the psychic, energetic information given

Why didn’t I do the above? I’ve done that already! ←& it sucks balls!!!! It also denies me my greatest resource: the Truth inside my feeling experience.

All this is to say, listening to your intuition is an act of listening to your Truest Self. When you commit to not fudging on what it is you feel; when you dedicate yourself to differentiating, sorting, the conditioning from what it is you’re actually feeling and sensing; when you commit, daily, to choosing what you feel and pick up on with your body rather than listening to mind, you are also dedicating yourself to the sweetest liberation I have ever known…

You are freeing yourself from social conditioning and into being 100% YOU!

Authentic Intuition Invitation:

Trusting what you feel is a ONGOING practice of not overriding your body and feelings. For instance, let’s say you come across an opportunity. You’re going, hmmm, I really want this (X) for myself. Yet, you’re also discovering:

o   I’m suddenly having an anxiety attack about this

o   every time I go to purchase the ticket, or course, my computer shuts down

o   I’m feeling oddly uncomfortable every time I take a step towards X

o   my feet literally won’t let me head in that direction

This week, I invite you to get curious when you are moving towards what you think you want or need to be doing vs. other signals you’re receiving. Take a moment to pause. What’s going on in your body? Feelings? Are you in your Conditioning? Are you feeling others’ energy? Will you give yourself the space to pull back on whatever it is you’re doing — to recenter and ground?