Pisces and Permission

this week's lunar eclipse

me in Santa Fe, on the same corner I used to 'hang' as a teen

Aloha, friends.

It’s been a minute since we’ve connected. I’ve been allowing myself to be inward, and getting back into alignment. During this time I:

·      Visited my hometown of Santa Fe, New Mexico for a week, with John. We shopped some of my regular places like The Ark bookstore (fave!) and Bodhi Bazaar, a wonderful clothing shop. New Mexico does not lack good food. We ate at Tomasita’s, Tia Sophia, The Shed, Julia -restaurants on my perennial list.

·      Have diligently re-worked my manuscript, again, thanks to a lovely developmental editor I connected with in June. As I told a friend (excited about her project being finished): I’m not sure writing is ever finished!

·      Am doing a qigong teaching certification, which has been interesting. Once again I’ve been learning how Uranian I am. When I try to tell myself I ‘should’ do a thing how it’s ‘supposed-to’ be done, I don’t enjoy it or hurt myself.  I’m not the rebellious textbook reputation of this planet; I’m different.

This brings me to the card I drew for us at this Pisces Full Moon lunar eclipse:

Permission

“Don’t hold back. Offer yourself what you crave.” - Intuitive Energy Divination Deck

Pisces magically expands us. Pisces generously knows no boundaries in terms of what it is able to offer. Similar to the way that Spirit/Source works, by creating possibilities for us when we finally let go of logic, and everything that we thought we knew or believed in, Pisces offers this experience to us.

It makes sense that I pulled this card for us, for this Tuesday’s lunar eclipse (for the full card description: click here, scroll to Permission card, click that to read). The question to ask is: “How am I holding out on myself? What is it that I can’t wait to give myself permission to do, be, or try?”

‘Permission’ feels magical when you realize how much of your experience *really* does boil down to what you give yourself permission to experience.

In practice, if you feel into this energy, you may notice:

·      You’re wanting to explore, try, or do a new thing that feels compelling and yummy. Perhaps you’ve told yourself ‘no’, ‘I can’t,’ or some other excuse. Does this need to shift? Your perception is the obstacle, here.

·      You want to give yourself permission to deeply feel something- grief, sadness, joy, enthusiasm etc. You are holding out on feeling certain feelings that need to overwhelm you for a bit. Moving emotion through your body always frees you. Us water signs know this better than most. ;-)

·      You want to give yourself permission, but struggle as you need to do it differently. If something does not feel in joyful alignment with you, there’s another approach to be discovered, or invented. Take it from a Uranus Rising.

Embodied Pleasure, Joy & Freedom

The ‘Permission’ I want is to experience freedom, pleasure, joy in my body.

Regarding doing qigong training, this means that I’m giving myself permission to not get hung up on doing it ‘right’. Instead, I’m aiming for maximum pleasure, joy and ease. I want to feel right on the inside. As a result, I may not earn the certification (or I may. Who knows?). For a Uranian, it’s about alignment at all costs. Disruption to the status quo is often unavoidable.

This has reminded me of something that happened around the ages of 11-12.

As a young girl, I used to love taking Jazz and Tap dance classes. I wanted to be a dancer. Yet around age 12, I began making comparisons to the other girls in my class. I noticed that some girls were clearly ‘better’ dancers.

Unsurprisingly, I suddenly felt too awkward, and too skinny. The choreography became more difficult for me to memorize. I recall my awareness shifting from being inside of ‘me’ and enjoying myself, to looking outside of myself toward others and no longer enjoying myself.

Eventually, my parents couldn’t afford my lessons any longer. After a long break I went back to dance as a teen. By then, my overly-focused-on-others-awareness had reached excruciating levels. Soon, I decided that I didn’t enjoy dancing because it was ‘too hard’, and that I was ‘not good enough’.

Sadly, I don’t think my story is uncommon for women. Girls become women who overly focus on how we appear to others, for various reasons (like: putting ourself at the best advantage for finding a life partner). We are very socialized to look outside of ourselves, and make comparisons.

While doing qigong training, and creating videotapes of my body’s movement and routines for the teacher, this conditioning reared its ugly head again. Of course it would. I’m now watching myself from the outside in, and someone external to me is watching, and technically evaluating me.

Conditioning is strong. It doesn’t just go away because you are no longer that person. In deciding how to approach this, I’ve given myself permission to not get it ‘right’. I call this new method ‘qi-wrong’! In qi-wrong, I care less about doing it technically right and more about feeling good inside my body.

Maybe I’ll even teach you how to do qi-wrong someday!

In my forties, what was most important to me as a woman was finding my sense of POWER. I feel that I did that. Now in my fifties, what’s becoming most clear to me is that I want to experience PLEASURE, in my body, movement, creative work, relationships - in all that I do.

Friends, at this lunar eclipse, ask: “How am I holding out on myself? What is it that I can’t wait to give myself permission to do, be, or try?” Pisces can part the clouds, lift the fog. New possibility is a mere perception away.