The Alchemy of Otherness

The backstory on how I drew my Soul Mate into my life

this is us- in Vienna, Austria  

John and I were watching a fantastic series we just discovered This Is Us (just good & wholesome), a scene where the main characters, a couple, married, in their late twenties, before kids, dreamt on their magical future.

And John said to me, Ahhhhh wasn’t that a great age of life? OMG! NO! No, I replied, and looked at him oddly while wondering if he’d been paying attention at all during our 18 years together. After finishing internally eye-rolling, I said: “I don’t know if you realize this about your wife, but the life passages that most people have at a certain age don’t track for me.”

Like many times before it, I was reminded yet again about how totally out of step my personal experiences have been with everyone around me.

A Bit of Backstory

For instance, for my generation: Having one’s own car was a rite of passage. A chariot was a symbol of independence; it meant you could go places. I saved up for a car by working after school and on weekends for two years. Finally, after combing the classified ads for months for something that I had enough funds for (around $1500), I found a red Jetta -ah, my dream car!

I test drove it, loved it, the owner said I could buy it. However, when I went to withdraw the money, the bank teller showed me that I had a zero balance account. Whaaaa? My mother had quietly drained my savings account. This wasn’t the first awful thing about life with my mother, post-divorce, but it was one pivotal moment when the chasm between “me and everyone else” widened so much that darkness won and sucked me into its cold maw.

Related to this: I was a senior in high school, and I had developed crippling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I couldn’t walk a block in my neighborhood without getting winded, and so when my friends were going to prom, attended high school graduation, when my friends had one another to lean on, I was at home, alone, and sick. My peers attended college; I was home sick.

my mother and me @ age 17 - that same week I became sick and didn't get well

Whereas they were being launched into the world with dreams and vision, I had no vision for my future… because I hadn’t been shown that one was possible! My attempts at a future had been neglected or sabotaged.

As you might imagine, sorting out the unacknowledged psychological issues occurring in my very-much-in-denial and codependent family took me a lot of time, and definitely if not wholly contributed to my health problems. This led to many many years of making up for life skills that I hadn’t received.

So it was a damn fine day when, at age 20 and still really sick, I picked up one of Liz Greene’s psychologically-oriented astrology books and recognized that my sickness wasn’t about me at all, but was a reflection of my family’s internal dynamics. So began my long love affair with astrology! Armed with new self-knowledge, I finally got angry with my family- angry enough to mobilize me into action. I needed a place to live; I needed to get away from my mother whose love felt deadly and smothering. Yes, that’s how attending college became a really good idea for me. Financial aid would allow me to pay rent.  I could leave home! I remember feeling I had won the lottery that day, too.

…When my peers were graduating college and starting their adult lives, I was just beginning college. I moved to South Carolina to attend a small school, because I needed a place to live, and my Grandmother offered me refuge. Peers sent me letters about traveling abroad, graduating and life partners; I slept on a fold out sleeper sofa in a retirement community! I was still being driven around in granny’s Mercury Cougar (I eventually earned her trust and was able to drive her car), but boy was I excited for the early bird buffet.

That time was truly a healing reprieve; I finally had some tangible external support. My grandmother’s love for me was real, strong, and healing. I honestly don’t know if I would be here today, without her loving care. But I was still dealing with ongoing health issues, and a deep depression surrounding the terminal illness, and then death, of my mother. Also, I was still quite lonely. I was older than most college students. Not to mention me? In South Carolina? Oh. my. goodness. I recall being told by a boyfriend that astrology was the devil’s work. The astrology books instantly went into the attic. I did not talk about my interest in astrology for 3 ½ more years, till graduation, when I moved to San Fran, and brought all the books with me.

...me living at granny's. Most pictures ages 18-30 resembled this one. So. tired.

**

After graduating college, I moved to San Francisco where, my very cool younger sister had moved. It being San Francisco, I didn’t expect to still feel so estranged, so different, yet I did. I had an art/business degree but the only job I could find was selling art glass in an art gallery on fisherman’s wharf. Soon, I joined the dot.com bubble since that’s what was happening, then, and because SF was so expensive. All the while, I had the health problems, and a new one- fibromyalgia - so was experiencing unrelenting chronic pain.

Let’s talk about the state of my relationships. My relationships with all people, especially people my age -including the opposite sex- were few and far between. When my peers were dating and marrying potential life partners, I was squarely on my own, trying to figure out where to be, how to be, and who to be. In the time period between age 17 and 30 I sporadically “dated” -if you could call it that- maybe five people. I was too busy surviving.

I felt radically unprepared for how complicated life was for me, which often caused me to feel immature (if that’s the right word?); paradoxically, this also caused me to mature very quickly. Unsurprisingly, the most important people in my life have been older than me. Not that I needed their wisdom per se but I gravitated towards people with unusual and/or mature life experiences. Like me. I was dealing with so much all the time - this wisened me up, real quick.

My sister teased me when I briefly dated a much older man she nicknamed “grandpa”. He introduced me to having fun (what’s that?!), and also gave me my first experience of Hawaii. Eventually, on the cusp of 30, I developed a dear friendship with an older man, a healer, who drew me under his wing. He saw something in me - a talented writer, and a healer. He believed in me.

On Becoming A Love Alchemist

It took until around age 30 to feel like I had enough: Enough of a solid foundation inside, enough of a consolidated sense of self, enough of a financial cushion to allow my nervous system to relax, a little.

Thanks to manifestation techniques, and a major colonic on the poverty mentality I had inherited, I finally figured out that I deserved (and could co-create) more. I wanted to move out of the city. I manifested a little cottage in the Berkeley hills with a garden. I had a steady job. The chronic pain was omnipresent but I had a Feldenkrais practitioner, and an astrology teacher to explore my inner life with. He became a mentor and champion for me. Again, here was someone who believed in me, who showed me I could do more than just survive. Slowly, this allowed me to explore my desire for a Soul mate.

First, to be clear, this desire was a deep Soul missive. This desire for a mate did not arise from Culture; as you know by now, I was totally out of step with everything going on around me, anyhow. It did not arise from a need for companionship, since I was happiest on my own. It was not born of any kind of romantic Conditioning I received around Prince Charming etc.; my only thoughts about marriage typically imploded in on themselves, since my parents’ marriage was such a disaster for so many reasons.

This desire for a real live Soul Mate person was pure, true, and from my Soul.

Where would I begin? I looked around me to figure out how this would or could happen for me. I couldn’t fathom it! Online dating was just beginning then; I didn’t even like dating, let alone online dating. How would I meet this Soul Mate person? I was an introverted recluse. I was a hermit living in a little hermit house in the Berkeley hills who barely socialized because I didn’t enjoy the bars and bachelorette parties. And every minute not spent earning a living, revolved around managing my chronic pain, cooking (for all my food allergies) and unraveling more knots from my childhood programming.

I was also taking astrology classes, which turned me onto some ancient astrological magic practices. One of my darker moments in San Francisco led me to the metaphysical teachings of Ernest Holmes; I attended Science of Mind church services in Haight Ashbury. That was then. I had little space for meeting people, and figuring out who to date. Just the thought exhausted me!

The impossible question that I had to answer that started it all, including the book: How can I draw in my Soul Mate without ever leaving my cozy cottage?

Because that’s what I wanted to do, and that’s how I wanted to do it.

Realistically, that was the only way I could do it. Nothing else worked for me.

Of course the voices who lived in my head said: NOOOO WAY!!! You can’t find your Soul Mate by sitting on the couch and never leaving your house.

Guess what? That’s exactly what I decided I would do.

The seed had been planted.

Alone, sitting in my house, and using my imagination and rich inner life… that’s how, in San Francisco, I manifested a place to live when I suddenly became homeless, and I manifested money when I was about to lose my car. Might I try a similar strategy for attracting my Soul Mate? Why not?

I practiced astrology in an unusually magical way. While Wicca never totally appealed to me, there were some things I liked about spell-crafting and ritual. *And, I could do it alone*. I could also see resonance and overlap in several of the techniques I had been using. How about combining a few of them?

Here was me: planting love spells with my rose bushes, astro-timing release rituals with the waning Moon, writing Dear Cupid letters, by naming all the positive qualities of my mate (long before Oprah did hers), and feeling my way into the love I wanted by feeling all those same feelings of love within myself.

the garden of my cozy cottage hermitage in the hills of Berkeley, CA

I wrote many spells for myself, customized for a particular predicament. I had conversations with single girlfriends, and they made up spells, too. I always loved my friend Jessica’s simple spell for attracting a life partner: Get a Second Pillow. Ha! So practical, and yet so effective. That one’s in the book.

I did many “little experiments,” including one I later called Invite Your Spirituality on a Date. That was about that time I actually went on a date with a person (who I met in the astrology section of a bookstore, LOL!) and that person hit on the waitress, and then got her phone number, and then gaslighted me — by denying he did exactly that! Instead of playing victim in this drama, I decided to Witness it. That was third eye-opening!

…I met Soul Mate John at UCSF, where I worked. I actually worked for him, as one of his assistants, for the entire year I’d done “love experiments”. I  knew he was recently divorced, with three young girls, and more importantly, to me, he was my BOSS so was off limits. I had strong boundaries around unfair power dynamics, so never entertained the thought of anything sparking between us. We got to know one another as colleagues, and as friends.

But, then, one day, he got up the courage to ask me out…and, and…AND you just have to read the book for that really good story!

On Becoming a Writer and a Published Author

Somewhere during this time, I began a newsletter. That’s how I discovered that I was a writer! I began writing! Sneaking in moments at my admin job, I’d write up every new and full moon. I created my own mailing list by emailing everyone I knew (which is so illegal now; not at all opt-in!), but I received a positive response. It was my first taste of writing for the public, and I received some extremely encouraging feedback (Can I share this? Never, NEVER underestimate the power of authentic loving praise. For those who have not received it, it can literally launch ships. It has for me, multiple times over.) My “not enough” shifted here, too; in this area, in this realm of soulful and artful self-expression …it turns out, I have more than enough.

Fast-forward to falling in love, quitting the crippling and pain-engendering desk job -and on the very same day, magically receiving an offer to write freelance. Not only was I newly in love with my Soul Mate, now I also got to spend all of my time on my creativity and writing! That was a honeymoon!

(yes, the spell for manifesting Soul Mate Love + Right Livelihood = in my book)

Fast-forward to years of writing freelance, being hired to ghostwrite syndicated horoscopes while that writer worked on their book, and then helping them write their book. That’s how I got a little confidence (just enough) to consider writing down my method, turning my story into a book.

I wrote the book.

Then, I wrote a book proposal — which is all about identifying your unique selling proposition and then positioning yourself in a market that is ready-made and ready for you. In it, there’s a part where you list and review titles similar to yours. I found one. Yes, there are books about using metaphysical manifestation techniques to find one’s mate NOW but there was nothing like this at that time. People were online dating. There was ZERO MAGIC offered in this attract a Soul Mate love realm. I don’t even recall anyone playing with Law of Attraction in this way; it was totally money-focused then.

I had been out of step with “everyone else” in this regard, too.

Then, I did a magic spell to attract a publisher.

It worked. I was made two offers, and accepted the one from Llewellyn Press.

That’s how I became A Love Alchemist.

This is My Backstory to the Love Story.

When I first published the book, a writer friend I had asked to “blurb” it gushed that the book was very aspirational. To paraphrase, she said, If someone like you had a hard time finding love, it gives the rest of us hope!

I’ve thought about that, since. There could be many interpretations of this. Someone like me. I wonder what she saw in me, and whether she knew me. My husband says she saw a charming, graceful, intelligent and well-spoken woman. I felt she might’ve been too quick to judge this book (me) by its cover.

I don’t know. I’m pretty sensitized to being misunderstood, so maybe it’s me. I’ve always been different, and uniquely challenged…and just like having an invisible illness (as I do) you wouldn’t know any of this just by looking at me.

When my peers were having rites of passage: first cars, proms, graduations, jobs, first real loves, engagements, kids, I was trying to survive.

I have always been out of step. I have always been different.

While being so different has been incredibly painful at times, at many critical moments in my life, it’s forced me to decide and re-decide that all this human nonsense, injustice, wounding and quite frankly, unfair circumstances… would neither define me, or what’s possible for me to experience in my life.

When I decided to become an Alchemist, I decided to make lemonade out of the lemons I had been given. I decided to not allow: Circumstances, my parent’s shortcomings, ill health, the past, karma, conditioning, a persistent sense of alienation… to keep me from having dreams, and achieving them.

Because if you want to know what this book is really about, it’s about that. It’s a book about going beyond limitation, and writing your own story (yes, there’s a spell for that in the book, too. Like I said, so many spells.).

A Love Alchemist’s Notebook is about refusing to accept the limiting version of what’s set in front of you -or what you’ve been told you can do, be, or have. It’s a book about thinking differently about yourself, and finally setting yourself free… disguised as an “attract your soul mate with magic” book.

Preorder your copy of A Love Alchemist’s Notebook (release: 2/14/24) here.

my very first author book signing, Book Passages, Corte Madera, CA

My grandmother and me on my wedding day. She died before my book came out.

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