This IS Permission
to release self-judgment; to give yourself what you most crave
me, 4 years old, as a butterfly
This morning, while filming a video for a teacher training, I noticed that I made a subtle judgment on myself. It was about my hands. My fingers are long and sensitive, and so is my body. I was once told, by a healer, that I have healer’s hands. I have also been told that I have an unusual (body) shape.
Isn’t it funny how things like this stick with us? Playing back the video, I had been mostly focused on doing the thing I was doing right and smoothly, but now the hands dominated my awareness. I watched my moving hands and fingers, in an odd sort of fascination. It was like I was seeing myself for the first time. There was, yes, a subtle judgment there, but it felt older, connected to all those times I felt weird, different, physically awkward. You know what else was here? Curiosity. Like: Wow, those are some interesting hands! And just look at how they are clearly appendages that act as powerful antennae-type receivers, picking up and feeling and expressing soooo much! I have always been able to SEE my sensitivity IN them, but today I really saw this.
These are the same hands that are typing on this computer, to you. These are the same hands that create, and allow me to bring my embodied and felt experiences to you, in the form of beautiful words (I am writing this outdoors on my lanai; and I kid you not- a Black Witch Moth just now landed next to me. She has been hanging out around here for almost a week now). These EXPRESSIVE hands, which honestly looked sort of alien, foreign and weird to me as I watched them in fascination… when totally absorbed in the present moment turned into unique and interesting butterflies. As I watched myself speak into the camera, I watched them flutter, receive, dance through the air.
(Butterflies and moths. Both have been in my life, this past week.)
I felt something slightly shift, in the way that something becomes dislodged that has been hanging on, hanging around by a little thread. There’s so little of it left that it’s not really even substantial, the self-judgment, but what I do notice about shifting longstanding conditioned patterns like this is, yes, I notice the bothersome pattern but moreso I train in attending to what’s different for me today. This is what slowly erodes the old way of being, and is ever so slowly replaced by Truth. I choose to build this part of my experience up- and, like adding a saturated light-filled color to a very dingy and dirty color (the untruth), eventually and always it is overtaken by the good.
I’ve been doing this work for years, specifically related to my relationship to my sensitivity and differentness - which childhood told me to not to value, to hide. This is how I attend to what’s True. I get Present and curious about what I’m experiencing. I notice, and I note how I’m noticing in new, different, ways. Because even though we think a vexing pattern or habit is exactly the same as it’s always been, it never is. It will always be different than it was yesterday, or last week. Then I build those differences up. I grow in LIGHT.
**
This IS Permission
After this moment of filming and watching, I sat down to do my daily energy practice. In the part of my practice where I connect with what I need from myself, Spirit, my Soul, Guidance…I heard PERMISSION.
This was juicy for me, since it is one of my cards in the Intuitive Energy Divination Deck. It’s not just another card, it’s a juicy, resonant, yummy, light-filled invitation so I always love connecting with it.
This card…how can I communicate how beautiful it is? My first experience of Permission, I FELT as a yummy sensation from head to toe. Full body orgasm. No wonder. The feeling of Permission is that expansive, delicious.
“...It is time to become more expansive by offering yourself the ultimate permission to be yourself, exactly as you are. Ground, root, and center. Get still. Then ask yourself: How am I holding out on myself? What is it that I can’t wait to give myself permission to do, be, or try?” Listen as the answers arise, bubble up from your solar plexus. Then, really take this in: I have total permission to… (if you find it helpful, imagine a higher power or authority is granting you permission). Feel the impact of these words on your energy body. How delicious it feels. Permission is soooo delicious! It is the ultimate freedom.” - The Permission card, from the Intuitive Energy Divination Deck
Permission, for what? I inquired. So. Many. Things. was the response, and it just started bubbling up. I reached for my notebook, which I keep handy, and started writing. The rest flowed, below. You may recognize themes of Friday’s Aquarius New Moon -liberation, taking off old conditioning, different-ness, being in one’s own authority and True Self- which is also square Uranus. This lunation falls in my fifth house and trines my own ASC/Uranus. So!
This is Permission*
To be different
To look different
To feel weird and odd and not at all like *what I think* others feel
To be, feel and look different from the rest
I have Permission
To do things my own way
To go off-brand
To not have a brand at all!
To be led by and follow my whimsy
I have Permission
To be spontaneous and extraordinary
To create my own music
And dance all alone to it
…if I feel like it
I have Permission
To validate my Self
I don’t need a thumbs up or a heart emoji or an “ok”
From anyone other than me
I seek and dispense my own Self-approval
I have Permission
To sink in and go deep
To slow down or speed up
To take my time on the things that matter to me
To be free of arbitrary timelines
I have Permission
To be in my own Self authority
To consult my integrity and alignment, within
Because the only commitment I ever need make
Is the one I make to my Self
I have Permission
To turn away from, to turn inward
To drop out, to break away - if that’s what brings my Soul Peace
Whatever brings me Peace,
I have Permission to do that
This is Permission
To be who I AM
…I can offer, grant, and receive this all at once!
Because I AM that expansive, I AM that big
I AM.
*Re: this Permission exercise, I find when rooting + writing are paired =Guidance. If you are inspired by this: No experience necessary - you have Permission to be a beginner, to write your own! Also, I like invitations, so if you think you’d enjoy to take this class, please let me know. I’ve taught it before.
NEW BOOK RELEASE ON 2/14!
A Love Alchemist’s Notebook: Magical Secrets for Drawing Your True Love Into Your Life, is being republished on Valentine’s Day- 2/14! It will go LIVE on Amazon on 2/14, as a paperback. It is already LIVE as an audiobook. And, if you are an e-book reader you are able to preorder that right here.
I will also host a giveaway on my socials (IG and FB) next week, so stay tuned.