Upgrade Your Relationships

What you want from others is different from what you need. And it's valid.

this silky, uncomplicated, natural and easy dress suits me perfectly

During Covid, I started an evening ritual of dressing for dinner. It suits me. I’m a Venus-ruled person. This means that beauty and calming influences enhance my health and well-being. The other night, as I dressed for dinner, I pulled on a dress and got really tangled up in it. It was one of those island strappy things, and my head ended up where an armpit would be. Frustrated, I threw the dress on the floor, exclaiming aloud: I am so done with this dress! I WANT ALL OF MY dresses to feel smooth, silky- and go on easily! Then, I reached for a silk plant-dyed slip dress, and felt so much better for it.

I’ve had a lifetime of trying to bend and twist into something tangled, complicated and not quite right for me. A lifetime of uncomfortably feeling like I’m wearing alpaca wool during the height of summer. Wait…Are we still talking about dresses? No. Now we are talking about relationships.

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I’ve been working with an editor on my latest manuscript. Written from the perspective of an energy-sensitive, it’s a book about how to manage your energy, let go of old conditioning, and trust your intuition. When the editor returned it with revisions, she said, “Some of my comments may sound harsh. I played Devil’s Advocate.” Ouch - for a book about sensitivity! (Astrologers: I’m having my seventh house Chiron return. I wouldn’t expect otherwise.)

I looked for something anything positive in this but only got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I found I didn’t want to open the document so I waited two days. When I felt good and up for it, I dug in. It was… as warned. It left me feeling raw. I actually had to put it away and regroup a few times.

I had days to realize why I had such a strong response.

There was no positive feedback offered, nor encouragement. Not one iota. If a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… there was no sugar here.

While I appreciated the “first reader” approach, and I understand that editors are trying to get the best possible vision of the work out of the author, I also know in the space between having written it and being published, artists are sensitive. I offer this analogy: When your baby is still in the womb, you must protect it by not exposing it to others who share opinions that can feel wounding, or harmful. It’s not out in the world so doesn’t have an immune system yet! Once released into the wild, it’s outside of your body/mind, gaining immunity. Typically you’re less sensitized to harmful external influences, then -especially if you’ve birthed a few of these babies already.

I once worked with another editor whose editing teeth were sharply intelligent - she offered me plenty of constructive criticism - but her tone was different because she balanced it with encouragement, praise, positivity.

Since I have limited experience working with copy editors (more with proofreaders), I wondered if my perspective was skewed. It’s a good question to ask in these types of situations. Maybe my one great copy-edit experience was just a wonderful aberration? I wondered, are all editors (collectively) like soccer coaches who use negative motivation to get results? Might a combination of shrewdness + encouragement…get better results?

To answer this, I looked online. One editor who wrote about this topic essentially said, “Writers, toughen up!” In a conflicting search result, AI told me that editors are supposed to be necessarily critical AND sensitive.

You know what I decided? I don’t care what the status quo says the role of editors to artists is supposed to be, or what others do! What I care about is how I feel. As I went through that manuscript, I felt crappy. I wanted a relationship with someone who championed me AND helped me to make it better. I WANT MY relationships to feel as uncomplicated, straightforward, smooth, easy/natural (and flattering) as my silky dress. All of them.

However, I don’t need others to make me feel good. There’s a difference. I can champion, encourage, and support myself. What happened here didn’t cause me to feel badly about my talents, or believe less in myself…I just felt bad.

I want uncomplicated relationships. Silky smooth ones that are clear, straightforward and easy to navigate. Some people say that you attract who you are; that’s one approach. But for me, this is not about Shadow work.

I have a silky smooth relationship with myself right now.

…Why would I want to settle for less than this from others?

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One of the laws of Divine Abundance is that you will get more of what you are willing to put up with. However, decide to ask for ALL your boxes to be checked, and you will typically be handed more of that. Divine Universe is VERY generous in this way. Divine Abundance shows up always and in ALL ways!

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In the Vesta retreat I recently hosted, one participant had an A-ha! moment. She decided to turn over a new leaf and choose quality over quantity in her relationships. To her, this meant she would make her circle of relationships much smaller. Many heads nodded approvingly. I feel this is a strategic wellness decision - not only for energy-sensitive empaths and for those recovering from trauma. Don’t you want to feel great to the MAX, in every single connection you have? Since we know from the law of Divine Abundance that what we’re willing to put up with we will get served more of…why not shoot for the Moon? And be served delightful Moon food?

Here is my invitation to you: Make a list of everything you want to experience from your closest relationships. Start with “I want to feel…” Make the list extensive, exhaustive. If someone offered you the most satisfying connection of your life how would you want to feel in it?

Would you want to feel “just okay”? Compromised? Bored?

Now, use that list as a yardstick for those you DECIDE to bring closer-in.

(And let the others find the people for whom those boxes are all checked.)

Because while metaphysics and magic are at play in this exercise, in order to receive different results from your intimate relationship circles you must make the decision to do things differently. When I threw that complicated, tangled-up dress down on the floor, then put on that silky smooth perfect for me dress, I definitely made a relationship decision. Here’s to yours! xx