When Women Withhold

How Female Jealousy Distorts, Hurts, and Teaches

Of all the energies I feel, one has continued to mystify, since it is harder for me to clearly discern — at least initially.

I know how I feel when I experience it (as an energy coming from another person) when I share: I will start to doubt and question myself. If I’m sharing an idea or creative work that’s pretty great — I begin to feel really anxious that I won’t be supported. Or I worry that because I’ve just surpassed another’s skill level, creative ability, or knowledge base… I won’t be encouraged or celebrated. I may even begin anticipating my own disappointment at not being seen, valued, or uplifted.

That last feeling gets me closest to identifying the exact vibe coming off another person:

jealousy.

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What Jealousy (From Others) Feels Like

I’ve experienced female jealousy in dramatic-feeling ways. Let me clarify: it feels dramatic because it’s often hard for me to immediately identify it as ‘jealousy.’

The real drama isn’t the event — it’s the way female jealousy catches me off guard and distorts my self-perception.← Honestly, that is what scares me about female jealousy!

I feel its icky blackness lodge in my energy body, usually around my heart and gut, sending waves of self-questioning and anxiety coursing through me. Ugh, what is this???

If I don’t recognize it for what it is, it sticks around too long, dragging me into a low-vibration vortex of total inadequacy. I wonder: Why am I feeling so badly? What’s WRONG with me?
If I’m lucky, I think: This doesn’t feel like ME at all.

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Guitar Teacher From the Underworld

I have a story for you (of course!). A year after we moved to Hawaii, I started private guitar lessons with a local teacher. A complete beginner, we met every Saturday for an hour. As the weeks went by, I noticed I started feeling increasingly anxious on the way there. I’d be driving along, my heart racing into a gallop, and it only got worse during the lesson. I pushed through, strumming along, stumbling often, always feeling inadequate and ‘less than.’

I told myself it was a confidence issue — that what I was feeling (so horrible) was ‘performance anxiety’ (OMG, the amount of time I could get back had I never struggled with this flat-out lie!). I lied to myself for months, laboring under the delusion that it must be me.

Every Saturday, I’d pep-talk myself: Learning is a curve. Have fun with it! No one’s expecting anything. I love myself unconditionally. I even did EFT on it. I combed the corners of my psyche for the ‘real’ root of my ‘confidence issues.’
But always, without fail, those same feelings arrived — and flattened me.

Until one Saturday.

I had decided to write a song — my very first one. Songwriting made sense for me: I’m a lyrical writer, and my father and grandfather were both musicians.

I played around with some chords, wrote simple lyrics about my (then chronic) insomnia, and recorded it. Looking back, it was boldly impressive of me to even try: anxious as I was, I still had the balls to write a song.

I brought it to my guitar teacher. We listened together as she quietly nodded. She asked about the lyrics, which I showed her — and then proceeded to tell me that they didn’t make sense. She referenced another song as an ‘example’ of how to write a song. (I don’t recall the song now, but I remember thinking, holy fuck. That song makes ZERO sense.) Then she moved on with the lesson. No positive feedback. Only judgment and un-supportiveness.

I walked away feeling betrayed, deflated, angry, and sad.
It was a legitimate creative effort! Who was she to judge me? I’m an actual writer. Who says lyrics have to make sense?
Do poems ‘make sense’?
Had she ever even written a song herself?
WTF?!

I never went back.
This effectively ended my guitar career — and that’s okay. I have plenty of creative outlets that fulfill me, and I may pick it up again someday.

I share this to illuminate what female jealousy — coming from another — can feel like.

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Venus Retrograde & Female Jealousy

Yet again, I encountered this energy during the current Venus retrograde period.

It flummoxed and confused me — again.
I felt all the old things: self-questioning, anticipating a lack of support, feeling this woman would get upset because I had surpassed her abilities.← SIGN.

Blessedly, this time, instead of taking me six months to recognize it, it took only a few hours. When I described the situation to my psychic friend Erica — and how I felt this discomfort in my body — she said:
Ooh, right when you started talking, I got the hit: ‘She’s jealous.’

Boom.
The minute Erica said it, the penny dropped.
She is jealous.
How did I know for sure? Instantly, the blocks lifted. The cloying dark energy left my body and field.

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Why Is Jealousy Hard to Recognize?

Afterward, I asked myself: Why is this particular energy difficult for me to identify? Why does it trouble me so much?
It’s never from men — always women — and it always feels awful.

Maybe it’s in my astrology chart (Venus in Cancer on my MC, square Aries Moon/Chiron in the seventh house, and Uranus in Libra)?

Then, I thought of my mother.
I did experience and feel a lack of encouragement for my independence and achievements. At times, she mysteriously withheld praise for my victories, affection, and help. I also felt she didn’t want me to surpass her in any way: She held me back, and sabotaged me — in some very strange ways.
Is that jealousy?
Yes, it is.

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My sisters: We are on this path, together. We celebrate each other's victories!

Women Learn Jealousy

I believe women learn jealousy through disempowerment.
From having less financial earning power, to carrying the greater burden of child-rearing, to supporting ourselves spiritually, emotionally, and physically… we are different from men.

This imbalance creates the setup for female jealousy.
After all, if you don’t have the time, resources, or freedom to pursue your dreams — but men seem to — who are you going to take it out on?

And still — that’s no excuse.

It’s not okay to crap on other women’s achievements.
To withhold praise.
To judge, gossip, criticize, or limit another’s freedom.
To hold someone back just because they surpassed you.

Why not applaud her instead?
Why not celebrate her?
Use her as a role model for what you can do.

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the ugh-ly toxic friendships of HBO's White Lotus

Let’s Clean It Up, Ladies

I get it.
There are plenty of reasons to feel disgruntled right now — women especially.

But there comes a moment when we must become conscious of our dark sides — and stop the underhanded feminine behaviors.
Withholding praise.
Judging.
Gossiping.
Criticizing.
Sabotaging.

This is how an angry, oppressed woman’s dark side lashes out.

And yes — it does hurt others.

You can watch it on the most popular television shows (for instance, the latest season of White Lotus — the three female friends who take a vacation together and deeply wound one another). Or you can hear it from me.

What we refuse to become conscious of will always leak out — in unattractive, destructive ways.

Venus isn’t all pretty things: love, sweetness, likability, and cupcakes.
She’s a complex archetype of feminine desire.
When magnetic and flowing, she’s beautiful.
When thwarted, she can behave badly.

Venus retrograde (until 4/12) is the perfect time to take a longer look.

Reflection Prompt: Have you ever felt the sting of female jealousy — either from others, or within yourself? Take a moment to reflect on a time when you experienced it. What would it look like to meet that moment with consciousness, compassion, and a new choice to celebrate instead of withhold?

Embodied Practice: The next time you feel a pang of jealousy — whether it's yours or coming from someone else — pause. Breathe into it. Ask: What is this really trying to show me?

Then, consciously choose to bless the woman (or yourself) instead. Celebrate her achievement as inspiration for your own growth.

This Venus retrograde reminds us: We heal not by hiding our shadows, but by seeing them — and choosing to include them in the love we already are.